The moment between two heartbeats...

...the moment before fear, when panic starts to rise.
I picked her up to calm her down, but it didn't work. She wouldn't relax, she didn't know me. Her face mirrored the panic that I was beginning to feel. The voice came, you know, the one that says, "what if?" What if something is really wrong? And then you move, you look for help because the moment has stretched, and the "what ifs" are screaming in your ear. I went to my parents room, to their door. I pounded on it, before opening it. "There's something wrong with Maggie" I said. They had been getting ready for bed, but stopped immediately after hearing my demand. They listened to me as I told them what had happened, what was happening. Maggie had now begun to foam at the mouth. I told them that I had been changing Maggie's diaper while she was asleep, when she suddenly arched her back and her eyes flung open wide. The sound I had heard from her was a choking sort of gasp. Thinking that she had maybe spit up and was gagging, I had picked her up to calm her down. But it hadn't worked. She had been ridged in my arms.
Maggie was calming down now, but she still seemed wrong, off. My mother asked if I wanted her to call 911, and I didn't know. Was she ok and I had just startled her? Did I want to bother the paramedics at this time of night? Yes, I did. So mom called, and the ambulance arrived. By this point, Maggie was back to her old self, smiling and cooing at everyone. Nothing makes you feel more like a deranged liar than a child who at home is on his death bed, but before the Doctor is in perfect health. The EMT asked how long it had lasted, and I said 5 minutes, than 5 more when she was coming back to normal. As I said this though, I thought, how did I know how long? Did I ever look at the clock? No, time had just passed and I was left to guess. They took us to the ER and Maggie was sent to have a CT scan. As I stood outside the CT room waiting for my baby to be done, I heard the "what ifs" grow up again in my ear. They grabbed at me, pulling me, tearing at my soul. Then I heard it. It was a strong gentle voice, not like the "what ifs". It simply said, "I am". "I am peace, I am love, I am mercy, I am faithful". And I knew, in that small space of time, in that moment, that whatever happened, He would be with me, and His strength would be enough.
Maggie is fine. The Doctor thinks she had a seizure. The tests all came back clear.
This was not my first reminder of God's sovereign grace, and I know it won't be my last.